What are your actions???

today i went to visit a friend of mine which have been suffering from cancer since the past 2 months...it's quite a while since i saw him....i still remember his cute chubby face...n always smile smile....n i even remember him walking like a boss in class... but...today was a shocking moment which i didn't expect...i never thought he would be in this kind of condition.although i have prepared mentally n physically...but still...it tear my heart apart when i saw my friend need to go thru this difficult moment in life...it's very upsetting to everyone who visit him....nothing much can be chatter about....all we do was stand there n look at him....feeling we are helpless at that point....

and when the parents let us know that this is just the 1st chemo that he had....he have even bcome more swollen n bloated than before...his eyes are closed...he can't open it to see it....he can only hear the voice of his surroundings. and still he have to go thru this chemo for another 5-6 sessions before he could be operated...and after the operation he still have to go thru for therapy..... how would u feel about it?? even at this point, he need to go thru so much for it...all those pain he have to take it...physically and mentally... i ask myself....can i even go thru it??? can i really be strong for it??? i doubt myself wht actions would be if i were in his shoes....

my dear friends who went......pls don't forget...everyone  need to go thru diff kinds of things in life....n life is definitely not easy to walk it....but remember.....when we still have our families...be grateful for it.....when u have friends...remember to appreciate them n always concern about them....it's not about the gap whether u know that person much anot...but it's about wht would u do for ppl's in this world...although there are many not worthy ppl that u wouldn't wanna help...but do bear in mind....dun put benefits in the 1st place.....but think it as as responsibility to take care of all human races....n dun forget....all human are the same level....dun compare status, color and attitude of each others...

to my friend which gonna fight for his destiny....continue for it...stay strong...stay tough... i can't do anything but to encourage you with words....i will pray for u hoping that u will have the strength to go thru all these....i know it's not easy for u n ur families....but don't give up~!!!

my confession

these few days....i really felt heartbroken over something which is not lasting n not meant to be...... i couldn't sleep well...my habit of looking at the phone during in the middle of the sleep are still like that....maybe i ald get used to it in this few months..... although tired as it seems...n nothing surprises that it will give...bt my hopes never stop me from waiting..... although the things i hate the most in life is waiting....but it never stops me from doing so.....

My love was pure n damn naive for someone who couldn't understand how i felt....i have been waiting all the time....n there's still nothing happen...well...are my hopes set to high???  i don't even know it anymore since that day.....everything have been crash just like that.... if were a computer.....i will just shutdown everything n never turn back on again....even when it's on ...it will be another version of OS..... 

somehow....i still misses the person i like the most...i miss him till i cry out to my bestie...i break down easily when i can't take it in my heart...it's not a gud feeling that i shud have...it's makes me emo n unhappy at all.....  actually there's nothing worth that shud be keep me waiting....maybe it's my hopes that have makes me wait for him.... but....this time i think i need to wake up le....i need to stop giving hopes in myself....maybe i shud run myself like OS.....give command n do it....n not auto set it n run...because when problem detected i can't fix it.....

i just wanna run away~

today being emo was not as gud as it felt....i felt terrible to others n to myself as well.... i can't even smile at the beginning when i saw them....we went out for dinner...n i don't even have the appetite to eat....maybe still haven't recover to the normal stage...but force my self to eat.....then i really canot tahan....i just wanna run away  from kampar n all the exam that gonna end soon...seems like...kampar is not a gud place anymore... hmm.... after that...reach home book our movie ticket..but just right when i step out of the car...a few steps away..i knock myself into the gate....ah....silly me....why was the gate was there??? how come i never notice it??? anyways...we watch the Avengers....quite an awesome movie... nice....highly recommendation for everyone....yeah....... hmm.... wht else....yeah.... to make myself feel better..... i spend a little money to make myself happy....can't totally say it makes me happy.....but felt relieve a little.... bought some mask, some make up applicator tat i'm gonna bring it to penang....... hehehe....

soon...exam will be finish by this friday..... finally my 1st sem in my 2nd year have ended...n it will be the 5month of dad leaving us.....argh....why isit that day....why isit always that day clashing something related....sigh....life seems not pretty gud lately.... but apparently....no one cares n matter about it.... n to motivate myself a little....i plan a Penang trip with my friends..... i really need a run away trip from the places i have been strangling with.... i wanna see new wonders....i wanna try diff view in diff places..... i just need some fresh air.....but there's still a few some days left before i can enjoy it....

n i feel like slapping myself....my souls is like lost...wondering out there....i feel like wanna drag it back...n say...." hey...u r not done yet.....get back in ur body missy" sad at it seems.... my heart is like not operating....i feel like i have been stop at there.....i hear the clock ticks....but not my heart...... so...wht would i be without a heart??? LOL..... IRONMAN......

wht it takes for me to go in this journey...

i have a rough nite lately...nothings seems to be going smooth...all i can do was cry....n i can't tell ppl how i feel....i feel very depressed....n at this point..i wish i could call my dad again n again to chat about how gud things were...how my father would comfort his lil girl.... it's not about the advise or anything but is his voice that makes me feel relieve that.... he's still there for me.... but wht's the point when u can't even hear it anymore??? sometimes when i'm back hometown during sembreak...it's just remind me even more.... infact...he's not there playing n talking lame jokes with me....

that nite...when i was food poisoning....being admitted in the hospital in few hours...makes me think that...in this situation he will be with me...no with some un-close stranger.... i really felt scared when the needles poke in....n that stupid doctor can't find the veins...he would be making me laugh n comfort me.... but a fact is a fact....dad is gone...he's not there anymore.....n it just makes me feel sad....there are still many things he haven't teach me do n done it yet.... it's just not fair... the promises he make will not able done in this lifetime.... ppl keep tell me be strong...n let it go... but it's just less than 5 months....how could u possibly forget the one u love the most....that will not be coming back again....??? it takes time for me to learn to do things without him.... i'm scared to do it...but i push my self to the limit just to do things i don't want to do.... i just wanna rely on ppl sometimes...but no one wanna let me do it....

my 1st drip in the hospital...

i know he will always be in my heart.....n i have to go through this journey without him...taking care of things that i never did....doing things that i don't even want too.... i promise him that i will make him  proud...the 1st graduate in the house....take gud care of mum.....